back to the grind
It's hard to adjust back from studying abroad. I submitted my last paper August 11 (the 15-page one that I posted here) and got exactly two weeks of vacation before heading back to the US and starting the semester immediately. I … really miss the free time I had, the days of the week where I could just cook for myself and do not a single academic thing all day if I didn't have the energy. The way my semester was structured, with 3 easy classes through my study abroad program and 2 moderate ones, where I had enough time to take little 3-day vacations when I wanted to. The American college rhythm is not like that at all. A German told me, "Your entire semester is like our few weeks before exams," the busyness and the frantic stress of trying to learn it all before top performance is suddenly demanded of you. Students at LMU-Munich can add or drop a class until 3 days before the exam, so it's commonplace to just relax during the majority of the semester and then cram the entire material at the end. Whereas in America, if you miss an entire week of assignments because you're sick, you might not be able to recover academically.
I don't want to be back in the environment of waking up at 9:30, having classes all day with just an hour of free time here and there, then around 6 or 7 going to the library and working on assignments and projects until midnight. This week I spent 3 days in a row like that, not leaving the library until 12:30 am. It sucks going to college under the American model, and the "party hard" aspect that's supposed to compensate for it doesn't help. I am not one who appreciates alcohol to excess. I want time spent in nature or spent making art, that's what helps me. But art requires time and time is the most scarce commodity when the semester begins.
You may find it strange I have begun posting again now that I have so little time. Part of it is "revenge procrastination" - I have a spare hour between class and the sun is out, I want to do something I enjoy instead of wearing myself down attempting a 50-page reading of a German author's memoirs or frustratedly trying to fix the bugs in a Kotlin composable. So I start to polish up a post.
Posting itself is also inherently a retrospective activity, spent dwelling on a world either in the past or of ideas. In Europe I spent so much time living life as it came, enjoying things fully – and yes, taking worlds of photographs and journaling extensively so I could hold onto the memories. The task of editing, working out which things I want to share, is still ahead of me in going through my trove.
I keep telling myself that I'm so close to being done with college. One more year, then I'll be able to join the "real world" and be anointed with the seal of adulthood. Granted entry into the wider world of having a career.
I have my anxieties about that of course. But mostly I am ready to leave. It's nice to see my friends again, but the college that I go to in America is one that I was glad to be away from. I will not miss this school.